Random Thoughts

Lately it seems that I had too many things on my mind...
Reading the fascinating blogs of my friends really get me to thinking.
There is this story that Yvonne posted about a lonely man who was a long-time nomad searching for his anchor.
It seemed to me that he was looking for someone who he can settle in with...
and though people may find joy in their areas of comfort... there is still joy to be got of wandering, exploring, searching....
I believe that we are always growing... searching...
now this does not mean that humans are unsatisfied..
for me it just means that we should always continue to self-actualize... to improve...to grow..
When you say that you want to anchor, doesn't this mean you have stopped living?
I am a very passionate person and I always enjoyed life with all its uncertainties, with the rich lessons waiting to be uncovered behind the stories that we all live...

Anchor... a safe haven. To anchor, is to be stagnant...
we are continually on a journey...
We continually love and are loved
We continually hurt and get hurt
This is the joy of being human
we get to experience this wide range of emotions and the infinite possibilities...
as long as we are living.

So F@!king Tired!

I am so damn tired...

Tired of the problems at work... love life issues. I know I sound like a first-class whiner... but believe me, I am not normally like this.

I am tired of overthinking,
tired of caring about what people think
tired of doing the right thing...

the RIGHT thing...
Why does finding out what is right too damn complicated?
When we were little it seemed that the world was black and white
Telling the truth was right
Stealing from the cookie jar was wrong

Now I am faced with complicated issues....
Should I wait or should I let loose?
Should I be with myself and risk losing the person I am meant to be with?

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
I want to rest for a long long time..........

I am going to Bohol this weekend...
I am dreaming of this daily routine:
jog in the morning, swim a little after,
read a good book in the sand....
bathe in the sun....

Aaahhhhh, I definitely need this break : )

A Great Advice

A great advice from a friend:
There's a fine line between settling and loving.
Know first if what you're going to do is just settling... or you're truly loving.

If You Want

We could go out if you want
To a concert or dinner
Or both if it'll make you happy
And when we're done,
We can drive down the old Sunken Garden,
Just pause and gaze at the stars
And for each bright luminescence that we see
I find myself closer to you
And realize how special you are to me.

Or if you want,
I could just call you to ask you how you've been
Or walk with you from the office to your home.
And everyday,
You would hear the sound of your phone ringing,
And find a message early in the morning
Whose only reason to exist
Is to show you how much I care,
And reaffirm my love for you.

And later on,
When I've the courage to tell,
When all have been said and done,
And you're confused and downhearted,
Because of the problems that surround you;
When this happens,
I will remain by your side, through all that has been left,
For as much or as little,
Until the very end and then, beyond...

Or if you want,
We could simply be just friends.

Wise Saying

I just wanted to share a wise saying from my friend...

"Falling in love is not a choice...
But loving is."

=) Nice... think about it....

When Falling in love isn't enough

When I was young and idealistic, I always thought that falling in love was enough. Getting that giddy, sparks-flying, knee-weakening feeling was enough. After 4 years of being together, my first boyfriend and I were talking about marriage and starting a family. And then one day we broke up. I have been in and out of relationships since then... Sometimes I get to thinking... is there something wrong with me? Whay can't I hold on to relationships? Why can't I commit? In the end I realized, it was worth it to go through all those heartaches. Why? Because it made me stronger. It made me more aware of who I am as a person and what I am looking for in a man. Now I know what I want...

Keysi sent a perfect description of me in the letter she gave me before I was assigned to the US...
"Hey, if they ask me kung sino gusto ko kasama maonshore sa abnoys at isa lang... I will choose you coz' you are both fun and serious to be with. I love joking around with you as much as I love talking serious shit with you."
I have always believed in the similarity attraction theory in psychology. In layman's terms, similar people attract as opposed to the common notion that opposites attract. I guess what I am saying is...

I WANT to find a person that can make me laugh and at the same time, I can share my deepest thoughts and feelings with, my most intimate secrets, my dreams and aspirations. Someone I can talk with about anything under the sun... politics, faith, religion. I want someone I can respect because of his values and ideals in life. I want someone who can challenge me intellectually, someone I can respect. In short - I want someone as Keysi put it... someone I can joke around with and talk serious shit with.

I want to spend my life in pursuit of this someone... Someone who I no longer will have doubts with... someone I can commit to finally... someone I can call my own, my soulmate, my life's ultimate passion...

Now I have doubts mind you... I keep on wondering if there is such a person out there for me. Am I destined to be endlessly searching and always being on my own? Do I have such high standards? Maybe in the end all you need is to fall in love with a person and let that feeling grow in to love aka accepting the person with whatever faults he has. What is the point when you have to give up on your search for that someone and learn to love the person you are currently with? In the end I realized, I shouldn't compromise myself... If I have these standards, I will stay true to them. In a world of endless possibilities, where you can reach any dream you set your heart into -- for me, falling in love just isn't enough.

Pursuing My Life's Vocation

This has been a question plaguing me for the past two years - do I pursue my life's passion or do I play it safe and stay with a company who will definitely grant me financial stability?

Today, I decided...

I live life on the principle that I will do everything in my power to find my passions in life - whether it be in love, career or even friends. The past few days I decided to pursue passion in love but that's a separate blog entry altogether... now I decided to do the same in my career.

Life is too short to live in a safety net. Life is about giving all you've got to seek what makes you happy, to fight for your passion, to experience that insane high from things that will make you deeply satisfied. Even doing so poses risks, even if there are uncertainties - there is no other way but to try and live life the best damn way you can.

And so after four years of working in a stable company, after finally reaching a good enough salary and after all the hardships I went through to get promoted --- I am finally moving on. This year I will start pursuing graduate studies. I still don't know these things -- what I will study (is it Anthropology, Spiritual Psychology or Environmental Science?), where I will study (should I go to the U.S. or Europe) and how the hell am I going to pay for it? I think these are just the minor problems -- my bigger dilemma is: related work experience is the primary consideration in acceptance at graduate schools. I studied Psychology in college, worked 4 years in the Information Technology industry and now I want to pursue graduate studies in Anthropology. I am sure that the admissions committee will raise an eyebrow and say, "What do you really want in life? Are you sure that you are committed in finishing this course?" All I know right now - is that I have a passion for understanding human behavior and how society impacts this behavior. I want to be able to satisfy my intellectual thirsts, my questions about life… about existence… Aside from intellectual pursuits, I want to feel that I am contributing something to society.... that what I do is not just some scheme to generate money... I want my vocation to touch other people's lives, make a lasting impact. I WANT to do my job with conviction and passion and live every damn day sure that this is what I was set out to do.

And so I embark in this journey... there is no looking back. I still have a lot of things to do... researching schools, taking required tests, accomplishing application forms, etc. But hey -- I am determined to do everything I can to realize my dreams. I do not want to live with what if’s... I am finally coming out of my safety net and pursuing my life's vocation =)

Rollercoaster of Emotions

Today I went through a rollercoaster of emotions...
In the morning, holding back from my future...
At lunch, struck by the depth of my past's love...
I know the right thing to do...
let go of the past and invest in my future...
What's holding me back?
I don't want to hurt anymore
At the same time, I don't want to cause hurt.

I should be selfless...
I should be responsible for my actions...
I should think of what will make others happy...
and yet I am just human...

In the end I just want one thing...
I want to finally LOVE...

Favorite Quotes from Carrie of Sex and the City = )

Carrie: Maybe some women aren't meant to be tamed. Maybe they're supposed to run wild until they find someone -- just as wild -- to run with.

Carrie: Maybe the past is like an anchor holding us back. Maybe, you have to let go of who you are to become who you will be.

Carrie: I admit it's tempting to wish for the perfect boss, the perfect parent, or the perfect outfit. But maybe the best any of us can do is not quit, play the hand we've been dealt, and accessorize what we've got.

Carrie: Why do we let the one thing we don't have affect how we feel about all the things we do have? Why does one-minus-a-plus-one feel like it adds up to zero?

Carrie: Men who are good looking are never good in bed because they never had to be.

Graduation Message... nice read... of life's vocation

Very few graduating seniors know what they want, professionally and
personally. The sooner you admit to yourself the range of
possibilities, the sooner you will be more confident that somewhere
out there is a place where you really belong. There are some aspects
of your life you cannot change, such as at this point in time you are
still financially dependent on your parents, or that you have to find
a job quickly enough to supplement your family's income.
Nevertheless, there will always be pros and cons to every job you
want to take, always consequences of the answers you provide yourself
when you ask that most basic of questions: what do you want to do
with yourself? Naturally, I'm not going to give you an answer; I'm
very Socratic in that sense. You have to figure it out yourself;
vicarious experience is nothing compared to the real thing.
I'm too old to condemn people whose lives are driven primarily by
professional or financial ambition. I'd be a hypocrite to deny that
some money is important, or that it's wrong to want to push a career.
However, I'd also be doing you a great disfavor if I didn't point out
that there is so much more to life than a six- or seven-figure
paycheck, or a fancy title before or after your name. And these
things, such as quality time with your family, or peace of mind from
a clean conscience, are priceless. You can trust me on that score.
And trust me, too, that what you shouldn't be looking for is a job;
what you really want is to find your vocation.
Much as I am tempted to try, I cannot tell you how you should direct
your life. The life you have is yours, and I wish that other people,
well-meaning or otherwise, would remember that, too. But your life,
which carries so much potential, cannot be called a life unless it
has given life to others. We cannot be human without seeking a goal
greater than ourselves, for that is how we realize our humanity even
more.